This is based off an idea that my brother, Greg, had that my buddy, Stephen, and I expanded into a new epic mess/new head cannon forever! Greg’s idea was simple: The Dark Knight Returns with James Bond.
We follow the fan-idea that the name “James Bond” is actually a cover name that all agents designated 007 use. So, there have been several different “James Bonds” over the years instead of one guy miraculously de-aging (all respect given to certain Gallifreyans…).
So, rather than having the hot mess that was Skyfall (all good feelings to the title song aside), the latest “Bond”
has met with a tragic end in the service of Queen and Country. M is pissed and wants an example made of “Bond’s” killer and wants to know who’s available (and expendable) should things go “south.” Tanner explains the whereabouts of her potential agents.
M: “Well, there’s The Original:”
Tanner: Better not, Mum. There’s still a lot of bad blood after we left him in an American prison for thirty years. Sure, all was forgiven after the San Francisco Incident but best not to contact him.
M: “How about No. 2?”
Tanner: Unfortunately, he was found in a bathroom in a motel in Melbourne having auto-erotically asphyxiated himself to death. Which, as you recall, brought The Original out if retirement for the “Willard Whyte Incident.”
M: “Sigh. What about The Lightweight?”
Tanner: Never really much of a black ops guy to begin with. Retired and, huh, working as the Original’s butler, actually.
M: “What about Steele?”
Tanner: Retired and well-adjusted. Runs a Fortune 500 company when he’s not pulling art heists. I’d ask but he just laugh and go back to his dune buggy.
M: “So, that’s it then?”
Tanner: Well, there is the Burned Bond…
Tanner: Your predecessor never reinstated his license to kill after he went on “sabbatical.”
M: “Where the hell’s he been all these years?”
Tanner: The Village, Mum.
M: “You mean we still operate that psychedelic nightmare of a debriefing center?”
Tanner: No, Mum. This is a new village: Sandford, Gloucestershire…
Tanner: We hear he’s been running the local market and torturing the local law enforcement for kicks and/or to get our attention…
M: “Well, he’s spent enough time in the penalty box. Bring him home for one last mission…and make him shave that ridiculous mustache…”
“Bond…Just Bond…”
NEW HEAD-CANNON FOREVER!
