“There should be a horror movie made where you sympathize with the killer. Not because they’re defending themselves, but offering back story to where you like and relate to them and don’t want them to get caught.”
C++Murder!
Walking home last week, I started thinking about the Halloween series of movies and how the reasons Michael Myers kills people expand in the sequels to keep the body counts high. Being a tremendous dork, it occurred to me that slasher-type horror films seem to employ “If/Then” statements to determine if someone will die. And having time on my hands, I give you horror movies expressed in C:
“main()
{
char l, k;
int i;
printf(“Where is the Victim?”);
scanf(“%s”, &l);
if (l = “Ohio”);
char k = “Freddy Krueger”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if ( i = 1 );
cout« k “kills you because your parents lived on Elm St. and murdered
him”;
if ( i = 2 );
cout« k “possesses you and kills everyone at your party”;
if ( i = 3 );
cout« k “kills you because you simply live on Elm St.”;
if ( i = 4 );
cout« k “kills you because you simply live on Elm St. and/or you know
Alice Johnson”;
if ( i = 5 );
cout« k “kills you because you know Alice Johnson and to feed his
future vessel fetus”;
if ( i = 6, 8 );
cout« k “kills you because all logic has been thrown out the window”;
if ( i = 7 );
cout« k “kills you because you had the misfortune of meeting someone
that starred in a movie about him”
if(l = “Crystal Lake”);
char k = “Jason Voorhees”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if ( i = 2 );
cout« k “kills you because work at a camp on Crystal Lake”;
if ( 2 < i < 11 );
cout« k “kills you because you are alive”;
if(l = “Haddonfield”);
char k = “Michael Myers”
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if ( i = 1 );
cout« k “kills you because you babysit or are friends with a babysitter or
are standing in the way of his killing babysitters”;
if ( i = 2 );
cout« k “kills you because you are his sister or are standing in the way of
his killing his sisters”;
if ( 3 <i < 6 );
cout« k “kills you because you are related to him or are standing in the
way of his killing his relatives”;
if ( i = 6 );
cout« k “kills you because a ridiculous cult has been pulling his strings
since the 70s for their own evil purposes”;
if ( i ≥ 7 );
cout« k “kills you because all logic has been thrown out the window”;
if(l = “Fairvale”);
char k = “Mother”
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if (i ≥ 1 );
cout« k “kills you because Norman Bates found you attractive”;
if (l = “Texas”);
char k = “Leatherface”
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if ( i ≥ 1 );
cout« k “kills you because you were foolish enough to wander near a
backroad in Texas”;
if(l = “Michigan”);
char k = “Kandarian Demons”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if (i ≤ 2 );
cout« k “will possess your friends (or the nearest tree), torture you and
try to murder you until the sunrise”;
if (i ≥ 3 );
cout« k “will send an army of the possessed dead to kill you and all of
your friends because you just couldn’t remember those words”;
if(l = “New York”);
char k = “Cenobites”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if (i ≤ 2 );
cout« k “exquisitely torture you because you are evil and/or opened the
box”;
if (3 ≤ i ≤ 7 );
cout« k “exquisitely torture you because you were in the vicinity of the
box when some idiot opened it”;
if (i = 8 );
cout« k “will skulk around a rave party murdering teens like a normal
slasher because all logic has been thrown out the window”;
if(l = “Bad Part of Chicago”);
char k = “Chucky”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if ( i ≤ 2 );
cout« k “kills you because you are Andy Barclay or are standing in the
way of his getting to Andy Barclay”;
if ( i = 3 );
cout« k “kills you because you are Ronald Tyler or are standing in the
way of his getting to Ronald Tyler”;
if ( i > 3 );
cout« k “kills you because all logic has been thrown out the window”;
if(l = “Worse Part of Chicago”);
char k = “Candyman”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if ( i ≥ 1 );
cout« k “kills you because you just had to say his name five times,
didn’t you?”;
if(l = “Near a Mortuary”);
char k = “The Tall Man”;
printf(“How many times has this happened?”);
scanf(“%s”, &i);
if (i ≤ 2 );
cout« k “will kill you with a flying silver sphere because you were
snooping around the local graveyard and interfering with his plan”;
if (i = 3 );
cout« k “will kill you with a flying silver sphere because you were
snooping around the local graveyard and interfering with his plan unless
you have really been an alien with a gold sphere in your head all this
time”;
if (i =4 );
cout« k “will … I’m sorry, what’s going on?”;
return 0;
}”
