The Terrible Triple Feature
Favorite Panel from Chew #38: KFC Slashers!
Words and art by John Layman and Rob Guillory

Favorite Panel from Chew #38: KFC Slashers!

Words and art by John Layman and Rob Guillory

OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING GOOD!
I am being completely serious.
I’m flabbergasted.

OH MY GOD THIS MOVIE IS SO FUCKING GOOD!

I am being completely serious.

I’m flabbergasted.

Currently watching!

Currently watching!

Currently watching…

Currently watching…

Time to play!

Time to play!

horror-movie-confessions:

“I have this really big fear of Brad Dourif dying.”

horror-movie-confessions:

I have this really big fear of Brad Dourif dying.”

satanicpandemonium:

so fucking cute

satanicpandemonium:

so fucking cute

You’ve been very naughty, Miss Kettlewell…

You’ve been very naughty, Miss Kettlewell…

C++Murder!

Walking home last week, I started thinking about the Halloween series of movies and how the reasons Michael Myers kills people expand in the sequels to keep the body counts high.  Being a tremendous dork, it occurred to me that slasher-type horror films seem to employ “If/Then” statements to determine if someone will die.  And having time on my hands, I give you horror movies expressed in C:

main()

{

char  l, k;

int i;

printf(“Where is the Victim?”);

scanf(“%s”, &l);

if (l = “Ohio”);

            char k = “Freddy Krueger”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if ( i = 1 );

cout« k “kills you because your parents lived on Elm St. and murdered

him”;

 

if ( i = 2 );

cout« k “possesses you and kills everyone at your party”;

 

if ( i = 3 );

cout« k “kills you because you simply live on Elm St.”;

 

if ( i = 4 );

cout« k “kills you because you simply live on Elm St. and/or you know

Alice Johnson”;

 

if ( i = 5 );

cout« k “kills you because you know Alice Johnson and to feed his

future vessel fetus”;

 

if ( i = 6, 8 );

cout« k “kills you because all logic has been thrown out the window”;

 

if ( i = 7 );

cout« k “kills you because you had the misfortune of meeting someone

that starred in a movie about him”

 

 

if(l = “Crystal Lake”);

            char k = “Jason Voorhees”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if ( i = 2 );

cout« k “kills you because work at a camp on Crystal Lake”;

 

if ( 2 < i < 11 );

cout« k “kills you because you are alive”;

 

if(l = “Haddonfield”);

            char k = “Michael Myers

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if ( i = 1 );

cout« k “kills you because you babysit or are friends with a babysitter or

are standing in the way of his killing babysitters”;

 

if ( i = 2 );

cout« k “kills you because you are his sister or are standing in the way of

his killing his sisters”;

 

if ( 3 <i < 6 );

cout« k “kills you because you are related to him or are standing in the

way of his killing his relatives”;

 

if ( i = 6 );

cout« k “kills you because a ridiculous cult has been pulling his strings

since the 70s for their own evil purposes”;

 

if ( i ≥ 7 );

cout« k “kills you because all logic has been thrown out the window”;

 

 

if(l = “Fairvale”);

            char k = “Mother

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if (i ≥ 1 );

cout« k “kills you because Norman Bates found you attractive”;

 

 

if (l = “Texas”);

            char k = “Leatherface

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if ( i ≥ 1 );

cout« k “kills you because you were foolish enough to wander near a

backroad in Texas”;

 

 

if(l = “Michigan”);

            char k = “Kandarian Demons”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if (i ≤ 2 );

cout« k “will possess your friends (or the nearest tree), torture you and

try to murder you until the sunrise”;

 

if (i ≥ 3 );

cout« k “will send an army of the possessed dead to kill you and all of

your friends because you just couldn’t remember those words”;

 

 

if(l = “New York”);

            char k = “Cenobites”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if (i ≤ 2 );

cout« k “exquisitely torture you because you are evil and/or opened the

box”;

 

if (3 ≤ i ≤ 7 );

cout« k “exquisitely torture you because you were in the vicinity of the

box when some idiot opened it”;

 

if (i = 8 );

cout« k “will skulk around a rave party murdering teens like a normal

slasher because all logic has been thrown out the window”;

 

if(l = “Bad Part of Chicago”);

            char k = “Chucky”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if ( i ≤ 2 );

cout« k “kills you because you are Andy Barclay or are standing in the

way of his getting to Andy Barclay”;

 

if ( i = 3 );

cout« k “kills you because you are Ronald Tyler or are standing in the

way of his getting to Ronald Tyler”;

 

if ( i > 3 );

cout« k “kills you because all logic has been thrown out the window”;

 

if(l = “Worse Part of Chicago”);

            char k = “Candyman”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if ( i ≥ 1 );

cout« k “kills you because you just had to say his name five times,

didn’t you?”;

 

 

if(l = “Near a Mortuary”);

            char k = “The Tall Man”;

printf(“How many times has this happened?”);

scanf(“%s”, &i);

if (i ≤ 2 );

cout« k “will kill you with a flying silver sphere because you were

snooping around the local graveyard and interfering with his plan”;

 

if (i = 3 );

cout« k “will kill you with a flying silver sphere because you were

snooping around the local graveyard and interfering with his plan unless

you have really been an alien with a gold sphere in your head all this

time”;

 

if (i =4 );

 

cout« k “will … I’m sorry, what’s going on?”;           

 

return 0;

}